#holidays

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On balance, gathering, and weathering the cold

Balance

At Dan’s staff party this year, we dined at an Italian restaurant where the champagne flowed freely and endlessly. It was the kind of winter’s evening where the ambiance was dark and intimate, the conversation bubbly and enticing, and the hours lost their definition.

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The next morning, however, I woke up with an excruciating headache.

This is something that rarely happens to me anymore,

I am too old for it, I have far too much to do, and it’s simply not worth the toll that it takes on my body.

However, I was able to look at my situation from two angles that felt utterly refreshing,

one being the decision that I would not waste a minute feeling angry at myself or regretful (what’s the point),

and secondly,

I was able to immediately recognize that I had understandably lost my balance,

my footing.

This festive evening had followed a few weeks of relentless work and preparations for Christmas, my business, and events we were hosting. I had often sat at my computer until 11pm and neglected my walking, my yoga, my meditation, regular meals, my peace,

in favor of emails and determinedly charging through my to-do list.

No wonder I had been driven to excess,

to the point where my body severely jolted me back to sanity and the much needed stillness of a day on the couch.

 

Balance, it seems, has been my lifelong lesson

and my worthiest of pursuits.

When I am comfortably in the flow, everything feels quite smooth and right.

I spend time with my family and friends and regroup with time on my own. I get restorative sleeps and spend enough time moving my body. I eat well but allow myself occasional treats. I work hard but leave time for play. I spend time creating and planning, but also get through the more mundane details of my work. I read and I write, I cook, and I play with my paints and felts. I listen to music and relish in quiet. I give but allow myself to receive. I dream but stay grounded. I am energized by the stimulation of people and culture, coffee shops and bookstores, but then I happily retreat to the hushed quiet of nature. I visit and share, brainstorm and question, but also trust and

I breathe and I breathe and I breathe.

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Balance.

My  New Year’s wish for you is the manifestation of your own sort of balance, however that may look,

not necessarily found in each hour or day, but in the more general stream of things,

 

and then loving gentleness with yourself, too, when you inevitably falter,

 

and begin again.

Gatherings

‘I was thinking back to the first night when we were all cuddled up with the fire going, getting ready to watch a movie and I had such a warm and secure feeling, like you do when you are a child and you are surrounded by people you love. It was such a lovely moment.’

This is an excerpt from the message my aunt wrote me to after our little holiday family reunion in Waterton this week.

Judy summed it up beautifully.

Family in its highest expression is finding that place where we feel safe and nurtured and awash in unconditional love.

My New Year’s wish for you

is that you may find yourself enveloped in moments such as these this year,

held in the very bosom of your tribes,

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and beautifully aware of the magical perfection of these times.

I am increasingly convinced that these sorts of gatherings will ultimately be looked upon as the most precious treasures of our lives.

Weathering the Cold

I am NOT a fan of the cold. I have lived in this great white north all of my 42 years, but still I rail against its winters. I curse the biting air, and resent my frozen extremities. I say again and again to Dan, ‘this is not the climate I was meant for.’ I force myself out into the weather, dressed in a ridiculous multitude of layers but I am still not warm.

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Dan calls this one, ‘Karen is frozen stiff’

 

I often will sink into my steaming hot bathtub up to 3 times on particularly frigid days, even just for a few minutes to warm up,

for the day, for the afternoon, for bed.

Yet,

 

this is where I live,

and there is undeniable beauty in the frost, in the icicles, in the stillness, in the blue tinge, in the low winter’s light that is almost mystical.

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And so,

I carefully bundle up once again and head out down the streets and sidewalks as my feet rip-rip-rip on the snow,

and sometimes I am not annoyed,

but am rather captivated and even delighted by the magic of this winter wonderland that many in our world will never get to know.

So,

this third and last New Year’s wish for you is that you may be brave and resilient and tenacious enough to withstand

the snow, the harsh storms, the pounding wind,

and the dark times when hope and comfort falter,

and that you are also able to find the beauty in wherever you are,

and that above all you have a home, a fire, a cup of tea, a soft blanket, a warm meal that eventually and surely

calls you in from the cold to bring you comfort and warm your toes.

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Happy, happy New Year my inspiring friends.

The best is yet to come.

 

 

 

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On ex-wives and new wives, peace at Christmas, and God only knows….

On ex-wives and new wives

This Christmas Eve, there will be fourteen at our table. Every year, the familial combination is a bit different depending on who’s available,

but this year our little crowd will include

Dan’s parents,

Dan’s sister and her husband,

my brother and his partner,

and our kids, including Alex and her fiance.

Oh, and of course Alex’s mom Glenna and her partner, Steve (yes, I do mean Dan’s ex-wife and her boyfriend).

 

For many, many years, people would tell me that I should share the story of how our blended family all gets along so well. Interestingly enough though, now that I actually have a platform to write from,

it is a story that seems so fixed and normal to our reality that I even forget to mention it.

 

There has been an open letter circulating recently, however, that was written by a woman to her ex-husband’s second wife. In it, she expresses her heart-felt gratitude and love towards this woman who loved her daughter as her own. It is a wonderful story of healthy and mutually respectful co-parenting.

After reading this post,

I realized I had some things to say about co-parenting and blended families, too…

 

When people have asked us, over the years, what our secret to success has been,

each of us (Glenna, Dan, myself, Alex)  will point fingers at one or the other and say, ‘It’s all because of her/him/them,’

but the reality is that it has required an investment of trust and acceptance from everybody that has sat at our table at one time or another,

from grandparents to aunts and uncles to cousins and neighbours and friends.

Sabotage can come from any direction, but love coming from every direction can work unusual miracles.

 

And, if I were to respond to that letter that has been making the rounds and write my own,

from the vantage point of the second wife.

I would say,

Thank you, Glenna, for trusting me with your daughter.

I realize only now, the immensity of your generosity in letting me openly play my part in her life.

Thank you, too, for encouraging her into the arms of my family, and my ways….

Our approaches to parenting have not always been the same, but that never has been an issue,

as we each have always respected and seen the value in each other’s opinions,

and talked through whatever issues have come up until we all agreed.

 

This is where it started,

but it quickly became so much more because, ultimately, sharing a daughter means sharing a life.

Glenna, time and time again you have brought joy and laughter and hilarity to our birthday parties, our Sunday dinners, our celebrations, our family weekends.

When Alex’s siblings were born, you rushed to the hospital and loved them at first sight. And now, you are their Glenna.

And when my mom was dying, you washed my dishes, ran my errands, comforted me, and held my baby.

These are the sorts of things a person never forgets,

and definitely not the sorts of things a woman generally expects from her husband’s ex-wife. You are so much more than that, and at the same time not that at all. You are simply ‘our Glenna’.

 

You have been there for all of the important stuff, Glenna, and cheered us all on in equal measure.

 

Everybody has played a part in making this work,

but you, Glenna, welcomed me into your heart without a moment’s hesitation,

and that paved all of our way.

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Peace at Christmas

Some people manage to keep Christmas craziness and chaos at bay,

this is something I have never quite been able to manage.

To be perfectly honest,

I truly and desperately want to find everybody the most perfect gift, wrap with creativity and whimsy, plan and prep marvelous feasts, attend every beautiful affair, make my own cards and send every relative a personal letter complete with recent photos, experiment with fun new cookie recipes as well as make all of the traditional favorites, and still find time to curl up with my family and watch all the holiday favorites whilst drinking home-made cocoa with always real whipped cream,

all this at the same time as starting my own business.

Here’s what I have come to realize that I direly need to accept.

Much of this may only happen in my head,

and that’s ok.

Time to say it again Karen,

that’s ok.

At the very least, I will certainly manage food on the table, a few presents under the tree and happy kids,

and what more could we really want, when this is so much and all I have ever wanted,

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anything else is beautiful gravy.

God Only Knows

Alex introduced us to this lovely little piece,

and given that Love Actually is one of our all-time favourite Christmas movies,

and that we are a family that tries to keep believing in magic and possibility,

it does seem like the perfect way to end this year.

Merry Christmas everybody. Thank you for all of the love, all of the comments, all of the encouragement. It has been a beautiful and interesting year and I look so forward to all that is to come. Treasure your homes and your loved ones and yourselves. Together, we can create peace at home.